


Not All Secrets are Bad

by Bri_HQ_319



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety attacks happen in first chapter, First chapter is pretty much all Tsukki's POV, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Misgendering, Other, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Kuroo Tetsurou, Trans Male Character, Trans Shimizu Kiyoko, Trans Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Tsukki's gonna be misgendered somewhere, Yamaguchi is a great friend, possible other nonbinary characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2018-11-09 16:30:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11108427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bri_HQ_319/pseuds/Bri_HQ_319
Summary: Tsukishima knows he's going to have to tell eventually. Secrets like his don't keep forever in sports clubs. But he'll be damned if he tells the wrong people again and gets benched for it *again*. He's fought too damn hard to get where he is now. But he'll find out along the way that he has friends in strange places, and not everyone is hateful towards people who are different.Maybe he'll find a couple more people like him along the way, and even love in the place he least expected it.(Eventual TsukkiYama. Not sure when that will actually happen. Other ships may or may not happen, and will likely only be minor/background.)





	1. Wait. What the hell? How did you know?

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so this is my first work on AO3, and the first I've written for HQ, much less written in the last few years. The anxiety attacks aren't graphic, just kind of... There. And he's never alone during them. Yamaguchi is a Good FriendTM. This will start out as simply friendship with TsukkiYama, but I intend to put those two together eventually. But not until Kei works up the nerve to actually tell the team. Hopefully, that will be in the next chapter. :)

He really hated the start of a new school year. New year meant new people, wondering if they'd actually accept him or not. On top of that, this was a new school. Junior high had been hell, in all honesty. He had made the mistake of telling his teammates in his second year, thinking that they would be okay with it. After that, he was barely allowed to play volleyball anymore. He sure as hell wasn't put in the regular lineup. He wondered how this year would play out, this school. Karasuno was away from the students that he'd attended junior high with. That was part of the reason he had chosen it. That and it was where his brother had gone to high school. Well, here goes nothing. Yamaguchi was probably waiting for him at the corner in between their houses.

\--------

So far, he hadn't told anyone. He didn't really feel like he needed to, Yamaguchi did a pretty good job of covering for him after the last few years. Puberty was a bitch, and he really didn't want to change in front of the other guys. He could barely stand to change while keeping on his undershirt, plus his binder wasn't exactly easy to practice in. He needed to be able to change out of it before heading to the gym. He wasn't sure if the principal even knew his little secret - the guy was an asshole, and Kei was sure that would've been something of an issue. Oh well, if he started problems, Nii-chan was pretty good for dealing with it for him. Akiteru had always been crazy protective of his little brother, especially after he refused to wear the dresses anymore. Mom had been a little harder to convince, and Dad... Well, he tried not to think about that. They were getting ready for the Inter-High tournament now, and Kei needed to focus on volleyball and classes. He was in the college prep class, afterall, with Yamaguchi again.

\--------

Great. Some kind of training camp. Of course there was a damned training camp, which meant group showers, shared rooms, etc. Everything he hated. Maybe he could talk to Takeda-sensei. He suspected the teacher had already figured him out, what with showing up either earlier or later than everyone else, depending on whether he could get one of the restrooms alone quickly or not. And it looked like it might even be THAT week... The gods must really hate him right now. He was not looking forward to this, even if it WAS only 2 days. That still meant one overnight stay, plus at least 2 showers to worry about. Might as well ask now, while he could corner sensei alone. He shot Yamaguchi a look and nodded towards the freak duo. He got a responding nod and Yamaguchi took off to shift their attention away from Kei.

"Takeda-sensei?"

"Yes, Tsukishima-kun? Is something wrong?"

"Umm... About the training camp... Can we speak in private?"

They walk outside of the gym, Kei's nerves flaring. 'This is it. I guess I'll get a feel for what Karasuno's gonna be like with Takeda-sensei' he thought.

"Tsukishima-kun, I assume this is something you don't want the team to know just yet, but if I'm correct, the upperclassmen"

"Sensei, I suspect you might have figured me out by now," he said, unbelievably cutting off his teacher. He just wanted to get this over with before his nerves got the better of him. "I'm... transgendered..." He practically murmured the last part, afraid to look his teacher in the eye.

"I... I see, Tsukishima-kun. While I was beginning to suspect this, I wasn't entirely sure. I suppose you're concerned about showers and changing and such during the camp?"

"Of course. It's not something I'm comfortable with doing in front of the others..."

"Nothing to worry about. I'll figure something out for you."

Tsukishima let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Takeda-sensei was okay with it. He was actually going to help him out. A thought occured to Kei, "Sensei, what were you going to say about the upperclassmen?"

"Just that you aren't the only one on the team. There are a couple others. The only people I'm not entirely sure of are the other two first-years, but I don't think they will be an issue either. They seem to like playing alongside you, and that bit of information shouldn't change their views of you."

"I've thought that before, Sensei. Sometimes you're right, sometimes you're wrong. And I've been very wrong before," Kei says before heading back into the gym to help finish cleaning up. Yamaguchi seems to have had pretty good luck with the freak duo.

\--------

He really hadn't thought this through. He shouldn't have worn his binder to the school for the trip to Tokyo. Maybe he could run off to the restroom quickly and change before it was time to leave. He was definitely freaking out, and that was really bad when he had the damned binder on. It could send him into a really bad anxiety attack. Yamaguchi touched his arm, looking pretty worried. 'Dammit. Now he's noticed. Shit! I can't breathe!'

"Tsukki? Hey, you okay?" A shake of his head was all he could manage. "Sensei, umm, can Tsukki and I run to the restroom before we leave?"

Takeda-sensei just waves them off with a worried look. 'I really can't breathe, what the hell? Where are we?'

"Tsukki? Hey, I'm gonna undo your binder, okay?" 'Okay, just get it over with,' Kei thinks while trying to nod. He's so caught up in trying to get a decent breath in, that he nearly chokes when the binder comes loose. Yamaguchi just rubs his arms, staying away from his chest anymore than was necessary. After a few moments, Kei can move again. Yamaguchi turns around and fishes out the sports bra Kei had hidden in his carry-on bag, handing it to him without even turning back. Kei hands him the binder, which Yamaguchi buries back in the bottom of the bag. Kei grabs his jacket and zips it up over his shirt, hoping it's enough to cover him. He realizes that Yamaguchi managed to get him to the restroom right by the entrance. Taking his bag, they head back to the group.

"Tsukishima, everything alright? You seemed like you were a little freaked out earlier." Daichi-san definitely sounds concerned. 'Of course he does, he's the captain, you idiot.' Kei just nods, pulling his headphones over his ears. He misses the look Daichi-san gives Yamaguchi before heading back to his seat with Sugawara-san. Once the bus starts moving, Kei falls asleep fairly quickly. He knows Yamaguchi won't leave him alone. He's always been there, through all of the harassment, ever since Kei decided to stop and mock a few bullies that were picking on him years ago. Kei still isn't sure why he stopped that day, but he's glad he did.

\--------

He wakes up several hours later to Yamaguchi shaking him. Looking around, he realizes that they must be at the high school where this training camp is taking place. He lets himself be pulled off the bus and herded into the building, noticing the rather attractive captain of the Nekoma team talking to his captain. It seems too quiet for his own team until he remembers that the freak duo had makeup exams this morning and weren't on the bus with them. Kuroo-san seems to have noticed this as well, and is asking Daichi-san about it. Walking inside, he freezes momentarily at the sheer number of people in the gymnasium. He didn't realize that there were going to be so many guys there. Damn this training camp and the fact that there had to be like 4 other high schools' teams, plus managers and coaches. Ukai-san seems to have been caught by Coach Nekomata, and Takeda-sensei is running some kind of interference. This is going to be a long weekend.

The matches are grueling. He's glad he took off his binder hours ago, but hates the feeling of his chest moving when he jumps. He's sure the setter from Nekoma, observant little shit that he is, saw it, even with him wearing a second sports bra backwards to tie them down better. The look he got was weird though. It wasn't disgust or pity or even curiosity. It was more like... The look Yamaguchi gives him when he can tell Kei's mind is reeling. What the hell was that all about? Is there something he knows? Granted, even without the binder, Kei's pretty passable. If you didn't outright know, you'd have to be practically staring to notice them. He's gotten pretty good at flattening his chest over the last 4 years.

They lose the next set, just before the freak duo arrive with Tanaka-san's sister. That round of flying falls is when Kei notices the cramps setting in. 'Great. And now I get to be even more miserable this weekend. At least I started last night, so I already had that taken care of.' As he sits on the bench, he contemplates asking Yachi-san or Shimizu-san if they have any pain-killers with them. He figures he can play it off as a headache, he gets those often enough that no one will even blink. 'Fuck it, it's just going to get worse if I don't.'

"Shimizu-san? Did you happen to bring any pain killers with you? I have a pretty bad migraine starting up and it'll be better if I head it off now." He is begging her to buy it in his mind. 'Please don't ask anymore questions. Just go with it. I already see Yamaguchi's look.' He knows what he said tipped off Yamaguchi. He always uses a migraine as a cover. That's their code, so to speak, that Kei's period started and he's cramping badly.

"Of course, Tsukishima-kun. If it gets too bad, I'm sure Takeda-sensei would let you head to the dorms to rest," she says as she hands him a couple of pills. He downs them quickly, praying they kick in before the pain gets that bad.

"Thank you, but I should be fine now. I usually notice them early enough that it's not too bad." With that, everyone just blows it off. 'Thank the gods. The last thing I need is them asking too many tough questions.' Yamaguchi catches his eye questioningly. He just shrugs. It's just another day, he'll get through it.

\--------

Walking towards the showers after everyone else, Kei and Yamaguchi stumble into Kuroo-san and Kozume-san. Kuroo-san seems frightened at the coincidence, and Kei fights to keep his blank face. Yamaguchi and Kozume-san seem to have some sort of silent conversation via looks alone before Kozume-san mutters something under his breath.

"What was that, Kenma?" Kuroo asks exactly what Kei was thinking.

"I said that you two have nothing to freak out about." He never looks back up from his phone after the looks at Yamaguchi. "You two have a lot in common, Kuroo."

'What the fuck does that mean?!? He knows? Shitshitshitshitshit.Thisisbadbadbadbadbad.' That train of thought is rolling through him over and over, and when he finally breaks out of it, he's sitting on the floor in the bathroom with Yamaguchi next to him, arm around his shoulder. Yamaguchi's saying something, Kei's not sure what, but his voice has always been soothing, calming when it's like this. When his mind racesracesracesandjustwontstopnomatterwhathedoes. Focus, Kei. Just focus on his voice. It doesn't even really matter what he's saying, just keep talking. Please, just keep talking.

"...Kki, Tsukki, it's okay. I'm right here, you're going to be okay. It's okay. Just breathe, okay? In and out. Focus on that." Okay, he can breathe again. It's better, his head isn't swimming anymore. Shit, did he start crying? How pathetic. Oh well, can't change that now. Might as well see how bad this is going to be. Looking up, he sees nothing but worry and... Is that understanding in Kuroo-san's eyes?

Ku- "Tsukishima-kun, I, um, well, Kenma here seems to think we have something rather interesting in common..."

T- "No way. There's no way... You're...?"

Ku- "Trans? yeah... Started transitioning in junior high. Kenma's always known, apparently." Kuroo-san barks out some kind of wry laugh, to which Kozume-san just sighs.

Ke- "Kuroo was always just kind of obvious to me. When he first told me he was a boy, I just kind of shrugged. I guess I did always know." Again, he never looks up from that damned phone of his.

T- "I started in grade school, actually... 4th year. Nii-chan and Yamaguchi were the only ones on my side at first, and Yamaguchi and I had barely known each other a few months at the point I finally completely refused to wear dresses again."

Suddenly, it's like this huge weight is gone, and Kei can breathe better than he's been able to in years. He and Kuroo-sand just kind of bullshit about the start of things for both of them, the fighting with parents, misgendering, and then the dreaded anxiety question pops up.

"How often does that happen, Tsukishima? The attacks." Kuroo-san asks quietly. Yamaguchi and Kozume-san seem engrossed in whatever game the older boy has on his phone. "Your friend there seems a little too used to it."

"Yeah... It's gotten worse lately. Last year of junior high, I was harassed pretty badly by my classmates for being trans. I told the volleyball team there second year, and I ended up benched in every official and practice game after that. The coach barely let me practice, much less play. It's a little better here, the coach and sensei know, and they don't look at me differently. Sensei claims there's a couple others that I don't know about..."

"Junior high is a bitch. All the things that we were going through in our own heads, and then the other students... I wouldn't have survived without Kenma, honestly. Kenma and Yaku saved me. Yaku and I met in junior high, first year. He kept the worst of it away and then I had Kenma to talk to. Looks to me like all you had was that boy right there." Kei just nods. Yamaguchi was it for him in school. This is the first time he's actually talked to anyone beyond small talk in years, other than telling those assholes in JH. "He's a good kid. I'm glad you met him when you did."


	2. Well, it's out in the open now. At least with the team.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukki's thoughts are pretty bad. He tells the team, though not the way he was probably planning to. And fluffiness ensues shortly afterwards. Because sweet, sweet fluff between our intended couple. Also, I reference reassignment/affirmation surgeries at one point, as a reference to just how deep his own dysphoria runs, and how much of himself he wants to change currently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There is mention of past suicidal thoughts and self-harm. This is something that I understand is not entirely uncommon in the genderqueer community, so I wanted to show a bit of it in here. Keep in mind, I have struggled with many of these issues, but these are more or less how I think Tsukki would deal with it. Also, I'm not sure if the self-harm will reappear as Tsukki using it or not, but there will at least be more references to his past usage of it.
> 
> This chapter is also Tsukki POV, but I think next chap will be Yams, because that adorable angel needs some focus too.

Kei had made it through the weekend. He'd even swapped mails with Kuroo-san just to have someone to talk to that understood. From what he could tell, Yamaguchi had swapped with Kozume-san as well, maybe to talk about different things that worked for each of them... Kei didn't really know, and didn't know how to ask. He wasn't really used to Yamaguchi talking to much of anyone outside of himself, so this was odd. He also seemed to be friends with the freak duo, of all people, but Yamaguchi could talk to anyone. That was the biggest difference between them. Kei hated social interaction, it was draining to him, whereas Yamaguchi seemed to almost thrive on it at times. But now, Kei had bigger problems - the summer training camp. This wasn't just one night to worry about. This was a whole week! Kuroo-san claimed that it wasn't really a big deal, that he'd made it through several of them with no issues, but his team also knew. As did the Fukuroudani team, apparently, or at least a few of the members. Kuroo-san had mentioned Akaashi-san and Bokuto-san being privy to this knowledge about him, and that there were others within the teams. Apparently, most of them didn't particularly mind sharing the showers with others of their team, as Kuroo-san was the only one Kei had had to worry about that night.

Even though he knew the camp was months away, just knowing that it was coming was stressing him out. Did he go ahead and take the risk? Tell the team his most heavily guarded secret? He was beginning to suspect who Takeda-sensei meant when he had said there were others. At least one of them was becoming a bit obvious to Kei now that he knew he wasn't completely alone. Although, there may have been one that even the teacher didn't know about yet... There was definitely one first year he didn't remember seeing head to the showers that night at the training camp. Maybe he should just get it over with.

\--------

Practice was grueling. Kei was ready to just collapse, but everyone else wanted to keep going. How they had this much stamina was beyond him. The freak duo was being weird, though. The King seemed frustrated and angry at Hinata for whatever reason, and Hinata just looked ready to explode - and not in the normal, overly-energetic way he had. Kei wasn't sure why he cared. Their super-fast quick seemed to still be working, even if they seemed ready to fist-fight each other at the drop of a hat. 'Come to think of it, Tanaka-san said something about having to break up a fight between them last night. Wonder what that was all about?'

The camp was drawing closer, and Kei was still trying to work up the nerve to tell the team. Yamaguchi was walking on eggshells, seemingly worried that all the stress was going to set off some kind of massive attack - which wasn't exactly unlikely. Kei needed to do this soon or it was going to blow up in his face. Whatever, he could do this. There was obviously at least one other guy like him on the team, possibly two, and maybe...? He wasn't entirely sure about another person. They were entirely too passable if they were, which meant they had likely been in the midst of some serious transitioning for a while. Like, hormones and such. Lucky bastards. He would love to be able to do that, take the hormones again. He'd been so happy on them, that it was unreal. His stupid breasts had stopped growing, his voice had dropped, and his face had filled out in a slightly more masculine way. Then there was the fact that he'd been able to put on muscle mass more easily. But then his dad had to come around again and lost it. Not like the man was ever around... Nii-chan stepped in, stopped it from escalating too badly, but that was the end of the hormones for Kei. That had been about a year ago now. He hadn't even really gotten to take them that long, just long enough to start to see the benefits. His periods had even stopped for a while, but had come back full force several months before.

Practice was over, finally, and Kei was trying to figure out how to say something when Nishinoya-san started spluttering like he was embarrassed. "It's... It's not what you think, Shoyou! Really!" Kei's curious now, whether he wanted to admit it or not. Looking over, he sees... Well, that solidifies that one. Nishinoya-san had apparently taken off the fake dick he wore. Kei couldn't help the relieved laugh that slipped out of him. "What the hell's so funny, Tsukishima!" gets thrown at him immediately.

Kei has to stop for a moment. "I'm actually not laughing for the reason you think... Although, maybe you should've found a better place to put that if you were going to take it off." Nishinoya-san is just staring at him stupidly. Just as he seems to get his mouth to work again, Kei says more. "I get it. I'm actually relieved. I'm not the only one." And he promptly walks out, with Yamaguchi calling his name. As Yamaguchi catches up, they hear Sugawara-san calling for them. Kei turns, obviously a bit uncomfortable, but relaxes at the look on the third-year's face. It's going to be okay. Kei's not the only one on the team, not the only one within the group of teams they deal with regularly.

"You know, I've never seen Nishinoya so quiet. It took us all a moment to figure out what you'd just said, and by then you were gone. You know no one cares, right? That there's actually one more I know of for sure?" Kei just nods, the relief is so incredible. "Come back to the club room. I think you'll want to talk to the others."

Walking back in, Kei finds that it's not too difficult to just act normal. He sneers at Hinata and Kageyama, daring them to say something. Nishinoya-san just looks surprised, like he was still processing the fact that Kei of all people was trans. Suddenly, their managers rush in, both looking somewhat flustered - a rarity for Shimizu-san. "Suga, you said it was important? It's not like you to message me like that." Her voice was just as soft as always. Kei looks at Yamaguchi, not sure what to do. He's glad there's a chair nearby, dropping harshly into it and leaning over to catch his breath. 'Why now? It's not even that big of a deal now. They know, and they don't really seem to care.' He jumps at a light touch to his arm, looking up to see Shimizu-san kneeling in front of him, smiling softly. "Suga didn't tell me much, but I'm guessing it has to do with you. Tsukishima-kun, I know you've noticed that our team isn't exactly 'normal' compared to other schools." She actually air-quoted 'normal;. He has to scoff at that one.

"Yes, I've noticed. Forgive me for not exactly trusting everyone up until now with the fact that I'm... trans. It's not something that is usually accepted so easily." Kei's just looking at Shimizu-san, waiting for her to say something, anything really. He sighs heavily, "It's strange to finally meet others face-to-face after all these years... I've been hiding it since I was in grade school. I've always hated anything remotely feminine, but Nii-chan was the only one who'd even try to go along with it for the first few years. Mom caved after I basically lost it 4th year, refusing to wear dresses at all. I guess I was screaming something about not being a girl for hours. I don't really remember it, just that it was better after that. She stopped trying to get me to wear girly stuff, and even finally let me cut my hair. Junior high, I told our coach and the captain of the team our second year. It... didn't go well, to put it simply."

She pats his arm softly. "I completely understand that. Deciding when and who to tell is hard sometimes, and it doesn't always go the way you want it to. I was harassed pretty harshly in junior high myself for it." So he was right. She is as well. He finally has the confirmation he was after. "Obviously, I've been transitioning from about the same age as you, but it hasn't been easy. Sometimes I think it is better for transmen than transwomen. We are seen as wanting to become the 'weaker' sex, whereas you want to be the 'stronger' one. And before you say it, I know. We don't want to be that, we are that." Somehow, she knew exactly the thought crossing his mind. Weird, but not necessarily bad, he supposed. He did see himself as a guy, just stuck with a girl's body, much as he hated it. He was ready to look in the mirror and see a guy's body, but he knew that wouldn't happen for at least a few more years.

"I usually just don't tell anyone anymore," Nishinoya-san finally speaks up. He mind seems to have caught up to what's happening now, and he's now trying to voice his own side. "I told Daichi-san, Suga-san, and Asahi-san last year after Asahi-san saw my sports bra... Ryu just kind of figured it out, and asked me outright, and the other second years seemed to just know, but never said much. I wasn't really planning on telling you first years, but you had a point earlier. I definitely should've hidden my 'piece' better." With that, he lets out his typical laugh, and the mood lightens considerably. It's comfortable again, like secrets weren't just admitted. Kei feels lighter than he has in years, since he told Yamaguchi the truth when they were 5th years. No one looks at him like he's a freak, not like they did in junior high. He still doesn't really want anyone else to know, but he's pretty certain that won't be a problem.

"Just... I don't really want anyone else to know. When I came out in junior high, it got around fast... It wasn't the best situation for me after that. If I'd realized how bad it was going to get, I might have transferred schools back then. Yamaguchi and I both went through hell because of what I am." Yamaguchi, finally mentioned, seems to blush the brightest red Kei has ever seen. 'What the hell is he embarrassed about? He's not the one who just outed himself to the entire team in one sentence.'

"I didn't mind, Tsukki. I just wish I could have stopped some of it." He looks downcast, eyes watering slightly. The last year and a half of junior high had been bad for him, too, though mainly because he refused to turn on his best friend and protector. "I guess I wanted to repay you for all the years you'd protected me from bullies and such... Not that I was much help."

Kei is dumbfounded, speechless even, a rarity for him. Yamaguchi isn't usually this open with anyone, even Kei. "You... You were more help than you realize." He looks down at his lap, not really wanting to say this in front of everyone, but it needed to be said now. "If I hadn't had you around... Well, you know how bad I was mentally at the end of last year. I probably would've been a lot worse off, if I was still around..." 'Shit! Maybe I shouldn't have said it that bluntly.' Kei can feel everyone's eyes on him now. They're all staring, openmouthed, at the confession. Yamaguchi, though, is smiling? Kei's mouth drops open painfully. How could he possibly be smiling after hearing that, even if there are tears still shining in his eyes?

"Well, I guess I helped more than I thought, then. Although, I wish you'd told me it crossed your mind..." And then he was wrapped in probably the most awkward hug Kei had ever given. It didn't even matter at that particular moment that he had Yamaguchi pulled up against him. He just needed the other boy to realize how much he'd actually done. How he had likely saved Kei from a path that there wouldn't have been a return from, if he had walked it. The scars he bore already were proof of how close it had been. He remembered the sting of the knife's blade on his skin, on the part of him that he hated most of all, the breasts that screamed he wasn't born the way he should've been. Even Yamaguchi hadn't seen them after they'd started growing in their first year of junior high. Kei couldn't bring himself to let the other boy. And the couple of times he might have been able to, Yamaguchi wasn't there. Nii-chan might be the only one, and that had been an accident. He hadn't knocked before coming into Kei's room, not knowing the younger boy had been changing. He'd seen the scars then, the residual evidence of the self-hatred Kei hid well. As long as he had a binder on, or at least 2 sports bras and a baggy shirt, he felt okay. It was late at night, when the clothes were pooling in between his breasts and his legs, reminding him how far he was, that it reared it's head. The desire, no the need to be rid of them, to have a flat chest and a dick between his legs, to not have to deal with bleeding and cramping for a week every month. When his insomnia was at its worst, the thoughts flared. The voice telling him that he'll never really be a boy, that he'll likely never even really look like one on the outside. Gods, how he wanted the surgeries when those nights dragged on. He didn't care about the pain he'd have to deal with at first, so long as he could stand to look at himself in the mirror without a shirt on again. So long as he could stand the thought of changing clothes in front of another person, even if it was only ever his best friend, he could endure it. Yamaguchi squeezed him back, when had he reached up to return the hug? It didn't matter, it really didn't in that moment. For the first time in 4 years, Kei didn't mind someone touching him, being pressed against him like this. His mind wasn't racing, it was just... silent. Focused only on Yamaguchi; his hair smelling like the shampoo he loved, citrusy and sweet, and the feel of his body, hard with muscle, but still soft with leftover baby fat from childhood.

And then it was over. Kei realized what he was doing, pulling back as quickly as he could without hurting Yamaguchi's feelings, but then again, who was he kidding? The guy was too dumbfounded by the fact that Kei had willingly given him a hug to be upset by him pulling back. His hands lingered on Yamaguchi's shoulders, like he wasn't quite ready to let go. He wasn't sure what had just gotten into him, but it hadn't been a bad experience. What the hell had just happened?

"It hasn't in a while, Yamaguchi." And he really was leaving now, before he made a bigger fool of himself. Grabbing his bag, he side-stepped Shimizu-san and Yachi-san to walk outside. He kept himself from running, at least until he was outside the gate, but then... Well, he wanted out of there, and fast. He could hear Yamaguchi calling, but he couldn't stop yet. When he finally stopped, he found himself at the same park where he had met Yamaguchi for the first time. Panting hard, he sat on one of the swings, knowing that Yamaguchi would find him soon enough. He felt bad making the other boy chase him, but he needed to get away from everyone else.

A creaking next to him signaled that Yamaguchi had found him after all. A gentle hand touched his arm, no words spoken. They didn't need to speak anymore. It had all been said in the club room. They sat there, listening to the sound of Kei's labored breathing and the wind blowing through the trees, just a whisper really. "Thank you." Kei lay his head on Yamaguchi's shoulder, knowing the boy understood his meaning by the hum he heard. Even though he was scolded for being out later than normal, and Yamaguchi ended up staying the night just because of the time, the night ended well. Kei fell asleep easily, listening to Yamaguchi's breathing from the futon next to his bed. Maybe one day, he could stand to have the boy touching him whenever. Maybe one day he could learn to like physical affection again, something that he hadn't been able to bear since junior high. Maybe, just maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hope the fluffy ending helps a little with the rough spot right before. And I haven't read the manga completely, but at least in the show, Tsukki's dad seems nearly non-existent, so I'm writing him as a total asshole. He's going to be one of Tsukki's biggest issues, even though he likely won't even actually show up. I figure Tsukki has more than a few internalized issues - both transphobic and homophobic in nature. I also see Tsukki as the type who wants to pass, blend in, whatever you want to call it. He doesn't want people to know he is trans, he wants them to just see a man when they look at him.
> 
> Yes, I think Tsukki would cut his breasts, because it's the most obvious thing about him that he hates. And timeline-wise, I have it that Tsukki was able to take hormone replacements for about 18 months in junior high, but it was stripped from him when his father found out. I did do some research on it, and generally periods will stop within about 5 months on T, but can most definitely resume after stopping it, if no surgical procedures have been done. Let's just say that it took about 4 months for them to return, and Tsukki's can be incredibly painful with cramps some months - hence the migraine comment that he made in the previous chapter. I figure any trans male who wants to pass, but has a trusted individual that knows, likely has a codeword for that person to say that they are on it or in pain. (I know I would if it was me)
> 
> Also, I hope you saw the foreshadowing for Tsukki having the life-altering realization that he's been in love with Yams for like 4 years. I HC that they've been in love with each other almost as long as they've known each other, regardless of other circumstances.


	3. Tadashi knows everything there is to know about Tsukki. Or does he?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of the previous two chapters, but from Yamaguchi's POV. Some new scenes included, with references to past bullying. I do not condone bullying of any kind. I swear it's for character development. My Tsukki has been through hell, which will make him really appreciate what's coming soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yams is a sweet angel child. Protect the sweet angel child. He really is a Good FriendTM. That is all there is to it.

Tadashi hated first days... Not for the same reason his best friend did, but he hated them all the same. There were new people to meet, names to learn, and now that they were in high school, a whole new building and teachers to get to know. He definitely hates having to meet new teachers on top of 3 years worth of new students that could possibly make his and Tsukki's life hell again. Tadashi sighs, grabbing his bag and heading to the corner where they've met to walk to school for 4 years now, after their mothers finally allowed them to walk alone, or at least with Akiteru-kun. Tsukki acted like he didn't really like his brother much any more, but Tadashi knew the truth. He still called Akiteru-kun Nii-chan, and definitely would run to him if Tadashi couldn't help out. Yeah, Tsukki still idolized the older man. Looking up, he notices Tsukki walking towards him, pulling down those silver headphones he always carried. He never wore them when it was just the two of them, and often didn't even turn on music in them if Tadashi was around while others were. He knew Tsukki. Tsukki hid his anxieties behind sarcasm and large, over-ear headphones. Volleyball was a huge passion of his, but with what had happened in grade school with Akiteru-kun and what happened in junior high when Tsukki came out to the team, he wouldn't show it anymore. At least, not obviously. Tadashi couldn't help but notice the slight shake to Tsukki's hands as he had pulled the headphones off, the ever-so-slight waver in his hello. Tsukki was nervous as hell, and wasn't even really trying to hide it from Tadashi. His fingers tapped on his thigh as they walked, side-by-side but not touching, towards the school. Tsukki really hated physical contact most of the time. The only times it was usually okay was when he was panicking, and even then it had to be fairly minimal. A brush of their hands jolts Tadashi, not sure what Tsukki's doing. This is rare, Tsukki initiating any kind of contact, even just hands. The older boy's slightly larger hand engulfs Tadashi's in a warmth he didn't know existed. Tadashi was so done for. He'd loved Tsukki for so long, longing to be able to touch the other without anxieties and self-hatred stopping them.

"Tsukki, it's gonna be okay. We don't have to tell anyone, no one here even knows us from junior high. No one knows." He sees Tsukki's shoulders drop slightly, tension falling away like water droplets down his back. 'Thank the gods that worked. I wasn't sure how he was going to handle this. Or how I would've if he'd freaked out right now.' First day of their third year had included several anxiety attacks, one keeping Tsukki out of the room for the entirety of their Japanese Literature class. Tadashi had somehow talked one of the other third years, a cute girl that wasn't really hateful to them, to take notes so that he could try to calm his friend down. All because a few of the boys in their year had ambushed them right outside the school just before the day started. And it wasn't like the teachers actually did anything. Tsukki was different in a way that no one there understood, and they ostracized him completely for it. Tadashi was an outcast as well by default, since he refused to turn on the boy who had stood by him for so long already. "Hey, wanna try out for the volleyball team again? We're good enough to play, I bet."

Tsukki just nods, though he seems to tense slightly, probably thinking about changing before and after practice. "You know I'll cover for you like always, Tsukki. No matter what, you always have me, okay?" There's the relieved nod Tadashi wanted so badly. He prays the day goes well as the warmth and pressure on his hand disappears.

\--------

After handing in their sigh-up sheets for volleyball, Tadashi noticed another pair of boys practicing outside. He and Tsukki recognized the dark-haired boy as Kagaeyama "King of the Court" Tobio, but the other boy was a mystery. And he was worse at receives than Tadashi had been 3 years ago when they started junior high! He was so short, what did he honestly plan to do on the team if he couldn't receive? They decide to mess with the boys, well Tsukki will mess with them while Tadashi more or less just stands there. It's how it usually is, right? Tadashi isn't quite as snarky as his friend, though he finds the other boy's jokes and jabs hilarious most of the time. He noticed how Kageyama bristled pretty badly at the King nickname, not quite sure why it bothered him *that* much. Like, the nickname was given to him for a pretty shitty reason, but it didn't fully explain the other boy's visceral reactions. Weird, but whatever. As they got ready to leave, already bored with riling up the simple-minded first years, Tsukki was messing around, tossing the ball up where the little guy couldn't reach it. Suddenly, the little guy jumped - almost completely over Tsukki's head! What the hell? They both just kind of stare at the small boy in front of them momentarily. A few more snarky comments and they leave.

"Tsukki, what's wrong?" He already kind of knows the answer to that one. Tsukki hates when people get overly enthusiastic for no real reason.

"People like that get on my nerves, getting all worked up for no reason. The King and that Shrimp. They act like it's the end of the world if they lose this weekend, when really it's just that King's massive ego that caused the whole problem." They're getting close to the corner where they split up. Tadashi knows Tsukki's upset about something else, some random comment someone made, maybe? It hadn't seemed like a bad day to Tadashi, but sometimes the most random things would get under Tsukki's skin. "What are you looking at, Yamaguchi? I'm fine."

"You aren't usually this cold to me unless something's really bothering you, Tsukki. You wanna come over tonight? I doubt Mom will mind." Tsukki just nods, texting his mother to ask. They sit at the corner for a minute or two waiting for a reply before Tsukki's phone chimes. He looks at it, smiles slightly, nodding before turning off towards Tadashi's home.

\--------

Tsukki was really stressing out about the weekend camp coming up. Golden Week had been easy enough to deal with, no on really paying attention to the fact that Tadashi and Tsukki waited until everyone else had showered to go themselves, but there had only been the one team. Even though this camp was only a weekend, there were several other teams that would be there, meaning it would be a bit more difficult to get a chance to shower alone either day. Tadashi was worried, too. He knew that Tsukki hadn't told anyone on the team, not even Takeda-sensei, but he was going to have to mention it to someone soon. Training camps were hard for the duo, considering the horrible things that had been done to them after Tsukki came out to the team in junior high. He shuddered at the memories of the other, bigger boys grabbing Tsukki's clothes, especially his bras and binder, and hiding them. Those were a few of the times he saw his best friend actually cry from the frustration and fear. The other boys had left bruises where no one would see them, on their chests and backs, knowing the boys never changed in front of anyone else. Tsukki still couldn't even bear to change in front of Tadashi, and they'd been friends for years. Tadashi kind of hated it, honestly, that the bullying and self-hate had Tsukki so self-conscious that he couldn't even let his best friend see him without a shirt on. He realized suddenly that he had never been allowed to see the taller boy change, not once in all the time they'd known each other. Speaking of Tsukki, he just caught a look that screamed 'distract the idiots, please'. He nods and goes off to 'help' them practice Hinata's spikes. Just as Tadashi had expected, they fall for it without question. Tsukki walks out of the gym with Takeda-sensei, looking like he might puke. 'Please let this go well, for Tsukki's sake.'

It only took a few minutes for the two to return, Tsukki looking much calmer, albeit still a bit stressed out. He really hated telling people he was trans, Tadashi knew this. Tsukki really just wanted to pass. He wanted to fade into the background as just another guy on the volleyball team, not be 'the trans guy'. It's why he was so against telling anyone if he could help it. Tadashi had known him before he started coming to school as a boy, like he wanted to. He remembered the huge fight that Tsukki had had with his mom and brother 4th year about a dress or something that set off a major episode for Tsukki. He had screamed and cried for hours about being a boy and hating dresses. His mom let him cut his hair off the next day, and even went and let him pick out a bunch of new clothes that weekend. Back then, no one really cared, and in junior high, there weren't really any kids from their grade school, so Tsukki was just Tsukishima Kei then. Until Tsukki came out to their coach 2nd year... Neither boy played in any matches the rest of their time in junior high, practice or competitive. Tsukki was barely allowed to practice with the rest of the team, even though he was a better blocker than pretty much everyone else. They basically quit their 3rd year. They had enough to worry about with the constant bullying - bordering on assault with the way the other boys would push and shove at them.

 

\--------

Waiting in the early morning hours for the others to finish loading the bus, Tadashi notices Tsukki looking panicked. 'He wore his binder?' He taps Tsukki's arm, jolting the poor boy. "Tsukki? Hey, you okay?" A shake of his head. This is bad. "Sensei, umm, can Tsukki and I run to the restroom before we leave?"

Takeda-sensei waves them off, looking pretty worried himself, but Tadashi's focus is Tsukki. He's nearly gasping now, on the verge of completely losing control. They've made it to the restroom, though. "Tsukki? Hey, I'm gonna undo your binder, okay?" He gets something of a nod, and begins to fumble with the clasp on Tsukki's side. A choking breath gets sucked in once the binder is undone, and Tadashi moves to just rubbing Tsukki's arm. It doesn't take too terribly long before he's calmed enough to actually take his binder off and put on the sports bra Tadashi found at the bottom of his bag. He never turns around while Tsukki changes, not until he hears the zipper of his jacket, having buried the binder where the bra had been. Tsukki grabs the bag and they head back, just in time for everyone to start loading onto the bus to leave.

"Tsukishima, everything alright? You seemed like you were a little freaked out earlier." Daichi-san's just worried, Tadashi knows. Tsukki nods and pulls his headphones up over his ears. Tadashi shares a look with Daichi-san, kind of a 'sorry, but it'll be okay' look. Tadashi looks over as the bus begins moving to see Tsukki falling asleep. 'Good. He needs the sleep after that anxiety attack earlier. It'll give him a bit more energy for the matches later.'

\--------

Tadashi must have fallen asleep as well, since the next thing he remembered was Azumane-san shaking him awake, asking him to wake Tsukki. It's like everyone just kind of knew that Tadashi was the only one who could touch Tsukki easily. He manages to herd Tsukki into the gym with a little help from Ennoshita-san. Tadashi wonders to himself is the second year has figured out Tsukki's secret. If so, it obviously doesn't bother him at all. He's the only one who notices Tsukki falter momentarily at the sheer number of people in the gym practicing.

After several more hours of practice matches, of which they've lost every one, they hear the doors swing open to reveal the oddball duo with a woman who Tadashi guesses is Tanaka-san's older sister. After the round of flying falls they were in the middle of, Tsukki sits on the bench by the managers, looking as if he's debating something.

"Shimizu-san? Did you happen to bring any pain killers with you? I have a pretty bad migraine starting up and it'll be better if I head it off now." Well, that explains a lot. Tsukki was on his period. That made him more prone to attacks, Tadashi had noticed, realizing that was the reason he had seen a few tampons shoved in Tsukki's bag as well. He knew Tsukki used them because they were easier to move in, he said, and it wasn't like you could tell he had one in in his boxers. Also, saying he had a migraine meant the cramps were bad this time.

"Of course, Tsukishima-kun. If it gets too bad, I'm sure Takeda-sensei would let you head to the dorms to rest," she replies as she hands him the pills. Tsukki downs them quickly, it must already hurt pretty bad.

"Thank you, but I should be fine now. I usually notice them early enough that it's not too bad." Everyone else just shrugs it off, but Tadashi is kind of worried. They make eye contact and Tsukki just shrugs. 'I guess it's not that bad, then.'

\--------

After everyone else has showered, Tadashi and Tsukki head towards the locker rooms. Suddenly, they are met with Kuroo-san and Kozume-san. Tsukki just freezes, trying hard to keep his poker face. Kuroo-san seems a bit frightened, which confuses Tadashi until he catches the little setter's eye. That look says all he needs to know before Kozume-san mutters something unintelligible.

"What was that, Kenma?" Tadashi has a feeling he knows what Kozume-san said.

"I said that you two have nothing to freak out about." After the look he gave Tadashi, Kozume-san hasn't looked up from his phone. "You two have a lot in common."

And then, all hell breaks loose. Tsukki seems to almost curl in on himself in a panic. Kuroo-san and Kozume-san just look at Tadashi wide-eyed, not sure what to do. Tadashi manages to steer Tsukki into the locker room's bathroom, sitting him on the floor and wrapping his arm around the taller boy's shoulders. He starts talking, nonsense really, useless words. He knows it helps Tsukki calm down, something about his voice seems to soothe the other. Suddenly, he hears Tsukki mutter something that sounds like, "Just keep talking. Please, just keep talking." That's a good sign, he can talk, even if he doesn't realize he is.

"Tsukki, Tsukki, it's okay. I'm right here, you're going to be okay. It's okay. Just breathe, okay? In and out. Focus on that." There are tears streaming down his friend's face, stabbing Tadashi straight through the heart. If he could take all this away, the gods know he would. He'd take it all just to see Tsukki smile for real, the one that reached his eyes. He's definitely calming down now.

Kuroo-san finally breaks the pseudo-silence in the room, "Tsukishima-kun, I, um, well, Kenma here seems to think we have something rather interesting in common..."

Tsukki looks incredulous. "No way. There's no way... You're..?"

"Trans? Yeah... Started transitioning in junior high. Kenma's always known, apparently." Kuroo-san laughs kind of dryly, and Kozume-san sighs.

"Kuroo was always just kind of obvious to me. When he first told me he was a boy, I just kind of shrugged. I guess I did always know." Does this guy ever NOT stare at his phone? Tadashi doesn't think he's looked up once since they started talking in the hall.

"I started in grade school, actually... 4th year. Nii-chan and Yamaguchi were the only ones on my side at first, and Yamaguchi and I had barely known each other a few months at the point I finally completely refused to wear dresses anymore." Tadashi kind of tunes out the conversation at that point, realizing it was something both of the other boys needed, but he didn't need to know specifics.

He comes over to Kozume-san and asks him what game he's playing. It's some puzzle game that Tadashi's never seen before, but it looks pretty interesting. After a moment, Kozume-san is letting him help out with the levels. "You know, I can tell how close you are to him, Yamaguchi. You were his only friend through all of it weren't you?"

"Yeah. It was hard for both of us, but I know it was worse for him. The least I could do was actually be there, even if it cost me some friends in the process." He had never regretted his choice to stay by Tsukki, not once, even when the bullies left bruises and took his notes. "I've never looked back. It's always been worth it to me. Every bit of it."

\--------

The new first year manager was so cute. Tadashi definitely had a little crush on her, not like his head-over-heels love for Tsukki, but still a definite crush. She was just so freaking nervous all the time! Tadashi didn't really get it. Their team wasn't really all that scary, even Azumane-san was more of a big teddy bear. Tanaka-san was one of the more intimidating guys on the team, but even he was enthralled with the new girl. She was looked after well by everyone. Her reaction to Ukai-san was hilarious though. He did kind of look like a delinquent or something, what with his bleached hair and those cool piercings he had, but he was almost as much of a teddy bear with girls as Azumane-san, which was just as funny, considering the way Tadashi had noticed him looking at their teacher during practices. Coach perked up noticeably when Takeda-sensei was around. He was sure that Coach also knew about Tsukki by now, they had told Takeda-sensei that it was okay some time before. Ukai-san had given Tsukki an odd look one day, but that was it. 'Thank the gods that the Ukai-san really doesn't seem to care. Although, I'm curious as to why everyone's so accepting here. Wonder what else those two know about our teammates.' Tadashi had pondered whether or not there was another trans guy on their team, because there was definitely one he suspected. Was practice ever going to end today? Tadashi was over diving for the ball constantly, missing as much as he saved it, and over the screwed up jump floaters. He just couldn't get the damn serve! Why couldn't he get it right? It's not like he was exactly useful otherwise. He wasn't even really much of a backup player. If he couldn't get this serve down, what was the point in him being on the team?

Finally, Ukai-san called the end of practice. Tsukki walks over and mutters, "You'll get it, Yamaguchi. Give it time," before starting his cool-down stretches. Leave it to Tsukki to just know what to say. They had a really weird way of just reading each other. They never really needed to ask what was wrong, they just knew. And in the same way, the just knew what to say to the other to ease the anxiety, even if just a little. Tadashi knew he'd get the serve eventually, he just wanted that eventually to be now... Yeah, patience was never one of his strong suits. Heading to the clubroom after stretching, he noticed Tsukki had kept his tank top on, so he was changing with the rest, although he had his back to the entire team. Hinata was being himself, messing around with Nishinoya-san and Tanaka-san. Suddenly, Hinata goes quiet, and Nishinoya-san is freaking out. Tadashi looks over and sees the item that has everyone frozen. Tsukki lets out some kind of huffing laugh, relief evident on his face.

"What the hell's so funny, Tsukishima?"

Tsukki pauses for a moment. "I'm actually not laughing for the reason you think... Although, maybe you should've found a better place to put that if you were going to take it off." Nishinoya-san is just staring at him stupidly. "I get it. I'm actually relieved. I'm not the only one." And he promptly walks out, with Tadashi close behind, calling his name. He hears Sugawara-san behind them, just as he catches Tsukki, asking them to come back to the clubroom. They went back, just moments before Shimizu-san and Yachi-san ran in. Shimizu-san seemed worried, even a bit flustered, which was really rare for her. And then, it's all out there, Tsukki admits a lot more than Tadashi ever would have thought in the few minutes he talks to the other two trans individuals. And holy shit, Shimizu-san is trans! That one was definitely a surprise to Tadashi, although Tsukki didn't seem too put off by it. It's almost like the other boy had already guessed it. After Nishinoya-san jokes about hiding his 'piece' better, Tsukki finally says something outright mindblowing.

"Just... I don't really want anyone else to know. When I came out in junior high, it got around fast... It wasn't the best situation for me after that. If I'd realized how bad it was going to get, I might have transferred schools back then. Yamaguchi and I both went through hell because of what I am." Tadashi blushes at the memory.

"I didn't mind, Tsukki. I just wish I could have stopped some of it." He looks downcast, eyes watering slightly. The last year and a half of junior high had been bad for him, too, though mainly because he refused to turn on his best friend and protector. "I guess I wanted to repay you for all the years you'd protected me from bullies and such... Not that I was much help." Tadashi remembers the bullies, the ones he had hoped to have escaped when he met Tsukki, making his life a living hell that last year. And everyone wondered why Tadashi never saw himself as good enough. 'I've never really been able to do much to help anyone out, not even my best friend.'

"You... You were more help than you realize." Tsukki looks down at his hands, tapping his fingers together nervously. "If I hadn't had you around... Well, you know how bad I was mentally at the end of last year. I probably would've been a lot worse off, if I was still around..." 'Wait, what? It was that bad?!?' Tadashi couldn't help the small, tearful smile that shone on his face as Tsukki's mouth drops open.

"Well, I guess I helped more than I thought, then. Although, I wish you'd told me it crossed your mind..." Suddenly, Tsukki was wrapped around him, hugging him. Tadashi just stood there for a moment, so surprised that he couldn't react. Tsukki never wanted to hug anyone! A surge of confidence dragged Tadashi's arms up to squeeze back, just for a moment, before Tsukki pulled away. Tadashi was thankful for the warmth of Tsukki's hands on his shoulders for a few moments after the hug.

"It hasn't in a while, Yamaguchi." And then he was leaving. Tadashi just barely managed to tell the team not to worry, he knew where Tsukki was headed, before taking off to try to catch the other. Tsukki didn't stop, not that Tadashi expected him to, but he was a bit surprised when Tsukki started to run once outside the school gate. 'Well, shit. I guess he's more overwhelmed than I thought. I really hope he's headed to the park, because there's no way I could keep up with him right now.' It took him a few, but he reached the park where the two had met years ago, looking around. He finally spotted his friend on the swings just inside the park, breathing heavily. Tadashi sits down on the swing next to him, laying a hand on Tsukki's arm. He knew there was no need for words, they'd only make things harder right now. A light breeze was blowing, whispering through the trees nearby. "Thank you." He felt Tsukki's head hit his shoulder, humming in response. They just sat there for a long time, late enough for Tsukki's mom to get worried when they reached his home. Tadashi hadn't wanted Tsukki walking alone with how the day had been, worried about the other boy, so he ended up calling his mom and staying the night at the Tsukishimas. For the first time in years, Tsukki fell asleep first, giving Tadashi a hope he hadn't let himself feel before. 'Maybe, just maybe, this could really be possible. Tsukki, I love you so much, but I won't say it. Not yet. You're not ready for that, but I think maybe soon. Soon, you'll open up the rest of the way to me. I just know it'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so Yamaguchi POV is a lot harder for me to write. For some reason, Tsukki POV just flows right out, but not so much from Yams. And yes, Yamaguchi and Kenma trade contact info as well. Kenma is more willing to talk through text message than in person, something Yamaguchi quickly realizes. They really just bullshit with each other, learning about each other and the other's childhood friend. Yamaguchi tells Kenma how Tsukki loves strawberries and dinosaurs, and Kenma mentions how smart Kuroo is and how hard he works in school and volleyball.


	4. Tsukki's dad is an asshole. That is all.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night before the summer training camp. Tsukki's dad shows up, and Tsukki stays with Yama. Fluffy fluff fluff towards the end. Sweet Tsukkiyama fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so damn long. This chapter just didn't want to happen. I finally just ended it where it is so I could go to another spot in my story. I'm trying to more or less follow canon here, so this is a couple weeks(?) after the KageHina fight.

Kei didn’t know what to think when he got home the night before they left for their summer training camp. He knew it wasn’t going to be good when he saw his father’s beat-up car sitting in his driveway. It was never good when that bastard showed up. He saw Nii-chan walk out carrying his bag almost as soon as he got there, already hearing the argument going on inside between his parents. Great. What the hell does he want this time? Kei wondered what he was in for this time with his useless asshole of a father around again. “Go to Tadashi’s. I’ll help mom keep him busy so he doesn’t realize you were even here. I’ll call you when he’s gone.” Kei just nods and starts to leave, when he hears that bastard yell for him. Except he uses that dammed name, the one Kei left behind years ago. Great. What do I do now? Do I leave and hope they can stop him or stay and deal with his bullshit? Kei knew if he listened to what his bastard of a father had to say, he’d be in some serious mental hell for days. The old man always managed to screw with him just enough to make him doubt himself as a male. Yamaguchi was the only one who knew him well enough to pick up on it though, unfortunately. No one else on the team would understand that he wasn’t really trying to be an asshole, he just reacted badly when he was doubting himself. He knew that Nishinoya-san and Shimizu-san would kind of understand, but even that wouldn’t really help. Yamaguchi, however, knew what was going on in his head without him saying a word and he had always appreciated that.  
“Still pretending to be a boy, I see. Pathetic that your mother allows it. I still don’t understand why they gave her custody of the two of you instead of me.” Maybe because they realized what an emotionally abusive prick you are? Or they realized at the very least that Mom was better for us than you. Kei knew better than to say any of those thoughts out loud, at best he’d get screamed at more, at worst he’d be slapped. “Dad, leave Kei alone. He did nothing to you other than be himself.”  
Kei could’ve hugged his brother for that one. Did I really just think that? Wow. I really am going soft on him. Nii-chan threw his bag at him, knowing it’d be difficult to keep their father’s attention off of Kei, but he was sure as hell going to try. Next he heard their mother, yelling at him to leave her kids alone, it was her he had a problem with. Great. They keep this up, the neighbors will call the cops. Kei just left, figuring his mom could keep the old man’s attention for a few so that he could get a couple streets over. He knew back alleys to cut through to avoid the man finding him, too. For once he was glad of all the days spent running around with Nii-chan and Yamaguchi growing up. They’d explored every possible alleyway just to see where they would lead, never realizing that one day it might mean safe passage from one boy’s house to the other even when certain people were around.  
Ducking through the alleyways he knows like his own street, Kei quickly made his way towards Yamaguchi’s house. He called when he was a couple blocks away to tell him, “I’m coming over. He’s at my house.” Yamaguchi rolls with it, knowing exactly who Kei is talking about without any more info. Kei knows Yamaguchi’s mom won’t be home for a least a couple more hours since she works odd shifts at the grocery store when they need the help. It’s a friend of hers that owns it, so they call her when they are short staffed. Yamaguchi has helped there himself a few times when they needed a nighttime stocker or cashier. Kei has offered a couple of times, but they’ve never called him. He’s sure he knows why. They knew him before, so obviously they don’t want that kind of person working for them, even if he only worked in the back. It was pathetic, really, but he was used to the small-mindedness of his neighborhood. One more reason to go to Karasuno instead of a more nearby school, other than the fact that it was where Nii-chan had gone and had been quite the powerhouse at that time. As much as he was loathe to admit it, he enjoyed volleyball and wanted to play at a school that was strong. He knew his teammates were strong, they just needed to get some kind of rhythm going and learn how to play as the new team they were. That was the only real reason they had lost in the Inter-High competition. They weren’t really cohesive yet. This training camp would help with that, he hoped. Although, the freak duo not talking would definitely put a damper on that plan… They really need to get over whatever it is they were fighting over. It’s been almost 3 weeks now. Whatever, they’ll figure it out like always. They fight constantly.  
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Arriving at Yamaguchi’s, Kei immediately headed to his best friend’s room with the younger boy. They both stayed quiet, not really needing to speak. Yamaguchi knew Kei was struggling somewhat mentally what with his father showing up unannounced like he always does. Thankfully, Kei wasn’t subjected to much of his tirade before he managed to get away, so it wasn’t as bad as other “visits” had been. Nii-chan had been quite helpful in derailing that conversation before it could even get started. Yamaguchi just pulled out one of the oversized shirts and assorted clothes he kept for Kei, knowing the other had planned on showering after he got home instead of in the locker room at school after their practice session had ended. Kei just grabbed the clothes with a nod, heading for the bathroom for a quick shower to feel a little less gross.  
“Tsukki, promise me you won’t wear it to camp? I know you want to, but it’s a really bad idea…” Yamaguchi sounds incredibly worried that Kei might do exactly that, even if it was a really stupid thing to do. Kei had definitely thought about it, especially after his father’s visit… He nods, knowing his friend is right, and the fact that he’s not the only one on his team, much less the camp, makes it easier to stomach the idea. He also knew that Yamaguchi would run interference for him to make things faster or more comfortable for him.  
“I can give you that, I guess. I just can’t guarantee what kind of mood I’ll be in, Yamaguchi. It’s always bad when he’s been around.” Kei knew that Yamaguchi knew that, but he still always said it. Kei wasn’t even sure why, but he felt like he owed that much of an explanation to the one friend he’d always had, no matter what else had happened. Kei had found himself thinking about his friend more and more lately, especially since he had come out to the team. He’d realized he was far more comfortable around his childhood friend than he’d ever been around anyone else, even his own family. He was beginning to wonder why he thought of Yamaguchi so often, though he wasn’t letting himself dwell much. “I’m going to take a shower, though. I’ll just be a few minutes.”  
As he’d said, Kei returned a few minutes later showered and dressed for bed. He shifted uncomfortably under the shirt he was wearing, a single sports bra not enough to really cover him the way he liked. It wasn’t that he was uncomfortable because Yamaguchi was there, but he hated feeling them move around so freely. Even if it was hot and sticky under the doubled layers, he felt more like he belonged when he was covered up. If anything, Yamaguchi was the one person he might be okay with seeing him without the binders and excess layers, if only because he knew Yamaguchi would understand what that meant. Kei was honestly beginning to trust Yamaguchi in a way he never thought he’d trust anyone, ever. What the hell is this? I’m finding that I’m not completely freaked out by the idea of him seeing me, knowing I’m not physically a guy underneath the clothes. What the actual fuck?!?   
“Tsukki? You okay? You seemed kinda spaced out there for a minute.”  
“Yeah. I was just thinking about something a little weird. I didn’t mean to space out on you.” Damn, I even spaced out enough for him to notice. If only I didn’t over think everything… “So, what games do you have that we can play for a bit?”  
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“Tsukki, did you want the bed? I really don’t mind. I kinda like the futon sometimes.” Kei knew what he was doing. Yamaguchi would always offer, knowing full well that Kei rarely took the offer, but tonight it was tempting. With the mess in his head, he couldn’t help but think sleeping in a bed might be nice. And yet, he was definitely wanting something he didn’t understand. He found himself almost craving another person’s touch, and Yamaguchi was the one person he’d be comfortable with that happening with him.  
“Um, honestly, I don’t know… Tonight is weird. Is there enough room for both of us on the futon?” Kei couldn’t even look Yamaguchi in the eye as he asked, knowing the other boy had to be thinking he’d gone crazy, so he just looked at the ground.  
“Sure… I mean, I think so. I’m sure we can figure it out.” Kei’s head snapped up to see the reddest blush he’d ever viewed on his best friend’s face. Why in the world is he embarrassed? I’m the one asking weird stuff of him. “L-let me go grab another pillow from the closet…” Kei just stood there. Did he really just agree that easily? It seems like maybe he wanted to do this…? No. Don’t think like that. Like he’d ever want you, as messed up as you are… You aren’t even really a boy, you just act like one! No one who knows you takes you seriously as one, even him…  
“Tsukki? I got us a couple extra pillows. Umm… h-how did… you wanna do this? I mean…”  
Just say it, freak. You want him to freaking hold you like he doesn’t care that you were born like you were. Even though you know damn well that he thinks you’re just as weird as everyone else does. The only ones who don’t are the others like you… “Well, as long as you don’t… touch them, I think it’ll be ok…” Yamaguchi just nodded. It seemed like he really did want to do this, even if Kei's mind was screaming otherwise. Kei kept trying to tell himself this, that Yamaguchi wouldn’t do something like this if it was weird for him.  
As they settled into the futon, they quickly realized that their heights made it hard for Yamaguchi to lay comfortably next to Kei without touching his chest, so Kei moved to be facing his friend, curling up just enough to create a little space. He laid his head on Yamaguchi’s shoulder, not knowing what else to do. It was weirdly comfortable for him, even though he probably hadn’t slept in the same bed with anyone in years. Almost as soon as he thought that, Kei was asleep.  
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Tadashi definitely hadn’t expected Tsukki to ask this. Tsukki was actually sleeping in the same bed as him! Not only that, he didn’t think Tsukki had ever fallen asleep that quickly in all the time he’d known him. I wish I could say this out loud to you, but I’m happier than I think I’ve ever been, Tsukki. You’re finally seeming to be comfortable in your own skin, even if just barely. I definitely didn’t expect this so soon, but I’d do anything for you.  
Tadashi knew that Tsukki was embarrassed by his request as soon as he’d managed to get it out. He wasn’t even looking him in the eye when he said it. Tadashi knew his face had turned bright red at the idea, completely taken aback by the thought of sleeping next to his crush best friend and being able to touch him. He knew how Tsukki hated being touched most of the time, even by his own family. He was always afraid of someone figuring out his secret if they didn’t already know, or being judged wrongly by someone who did. He knew Tsukki’s anxiety was high constantly, always worrying what others thought of him. Tadashi tried his best to ease it where he could, but it was hard to do when he never really knew what Tsukki was thinking. It wasn’t like his friend had ever been truly forthcoming about his thoughts or feelings. Even to Tadashi, Tsukki could be something of an enigma. Tadashi let his thoughts fade out as he slipped into sleep as well, just enjoying the closeness with his best friend.  
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Early the next morning, Kei woke with a start, forgetting momentarily where he was and that he’d fallen asleep on his friend's shoulder. Realizing that he needed to wake Yamaguchi so they could head to the school for their training camp, he shook the other awake, hoping things wouldn’t be awkward between them now. Yamaguchi woke slowly, like always. He was such a deep sleeper that it was rare that he woke up fully until he was moving. The only complaint Kei had was that Yamaguchi had somewhat curled around him in his sleep, getting uncomfortably close to pressing against him in ways he didn’t want.  
“Mmm, Tsukki? Is it time to leave already? It’s so early…” Yamaguchi then seemed to wake up completely, jumping back slightly. “Sorry, Tsukki. I guess I got a little too close in my sleep… I guess we both forgot I do that.”  
Kei had to remind himself that Yamaguchi was just trying to give him a little more space, before noticing a blush high on his best friend's face again. What in the world? Why does he seem so flustered by this? We used to do stuff like this before… before I couldn’t stand it… “It’s fine, Yamaguchi. But yeah, we need to get moving or we'll be late.”  
Both boys got dressed, Yamaguchi in his room, Kei in the smaller bathroom attached to his room. Kei started to grab his binder, before remembering the promise he’d made the night before. I guess I should expect him to ask that of me. He’s always been the one trying to look out for me, if nothing else. I can leave it here, I guess. His mom knows and doesn’t mind. She might even wash it for me if Yamaguchi asked her. Have to make sure she knows to not put it in the dryer… Thinking about his promise, Kei settled for two sports bras, one flipped backwards like he’d found worked well. He made sure Nii-chan had stuck his smaller bra in his bag, the one he preferred to wear during practice, and that he had any other odds and ends he might need. Nii-chan even made sure my Ibuprofen was there. I need to remember to thank him for packing my bag for me. I’m not sure why he did it, though… Probably trying to keep that bastard away from me like he does. Akiteru had always tried to protect Kei as much as possible, even before he’d come out as trans. It was like his brother had always known that Kei was the one that would’ve been dealt the worst blow of the three, and actively tried to bring the attention onto himself.  
Walking back into Yamaguchi's room, he paused, realizing that Yamaguchi wasn’t finished changing. He started to just turn around when he noticed the curve of his back, the way the muscles were much more defined than he’d seen before. Kei honestly thought his best friend might be the definition of beautiful. Yamaguchi turned as he finished pulling his shirt on, pausing momentarily when he noticed Kei rather obviously staring.  
“Tsukki? You ready to go? You’re not wearing it, are you?”  
Kei mentally shook himself, what the hell was that? “Yeah, I’m ready. And no, I’m not wearing it… I did promise you that much…” Kei couldn’t help looking down. His mind was always a mess when he first woke up anyway, and here he was leaving one of his almost “security blankets" behind for a damned week. He wasn’t sure how well that was going to go, especially with the shitstorm he almost had to deal with the night before…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me you love me. :D I like the comments, suggestions, etc.


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